November 20, 2007

I awoke in very much a somber mood today. The approach of today has been on my mind a lot lately. Today, we celebrate and remember my beautiful grandmother whom we affectionately called "Lita". I can't believe two years have passed. There are still many times when I am visiting my family that I feel that she should walk through the door and take her place at the table next to her sisters. I don't think I will ever get used to being without her.

She was such a peculiar old woman. She enjoyed dipping her bread in her juice, she only liked to eat the ends of the bread loaves, she liked her tortillas burnt to a crisp, loved her drinks to be piping hot, she was THE pickiest eater I have ever known but she loved anything with shrimp in it. My Lita gave us many things to giggle about and it was so cute because she was completely oblivious to it. I miss walking into church and giving her a kiss on the cheek and sitting next to her and playing with her old woman hands. I miss a lot of small moments I often shared with her. Through all of her silly quirks of one thing we were all certain: She loved the Lord with all her heart. She was disciplined in her reading and praying. Her heart was always ready to serve and give. She was also very eager for the Lord to take her home. Each year she would say she hoped this was the year she would get to go home.

My Lita's life was a hard one. She endured much loss in her life but she was such a hard working woman. I will always admire her for her courage in being a single mom, in a new country, raising her 3 youngest kids in such a different culture than hers. She left behind a beautiful legacy and I am so blessed that God granted me as much time as he did with her.

I want to share one of my favorite stories of her. I was probably about 10 or 11 years old and we were having some kind of birthday party at our house. The house was packed with family and friends. I remember it was really loud with the chatter of adults. The house felt stuffy with the summer heat and children were running in and out of the house yelling and laughing. I walked into the house and stopped in the living room for a moment to be nosy about the conversation being entertained by the adults. Somebody suddenly said, "Carmelina (that was her name) your skirt!" I looked over at her and there she was sitting in a chair with her skirt around her ankles. There entire room erupted in laughter. My Lita was laughing so hard she couldn't even stand up to fix her skirt, so she sat there for a few minutes in her slip trying to compose herself before finally adjusting her clothes. I will never forget how hard we all laughed. I don't think she was ever able to live down that story. She never did seem to mind.

My small, beautiful and quirky Lita. I will always love her and always miss her.

someone actually snapped a picture of that moment. Makes me laugh every time.

just one... but not really

Today, I filled out a response card to a friend's up and coming wedding. In the little spot reserved for number of guests attending I filled in a lonely number one. I laugh a little at how silly this sounds, but at that moment my heart became very sad. In the true fashion of a hopeless romantic and let's face it... a bit of an emotional girl...it is hard longing for the company of the person I share so much of my thoughts and dreams with but can't spend time with the way I would like to at this moment in my life. I put a lot of effort into not letting that longing get me down or distract me and instead focus on the many wonderful blessings that are coming from this season in my life.

In one way or another this lonely moment lead me to think of what God has been showing me this past week and a half. Love and the church. It is such a monumental topic but that is where my heart has been perusing lately. At church, activities, conversations, quiet time... it all keeps leading back to this. The major connection I keep seeing when studying about the church is love. The love that God has for those that make up his body of followers and the love that we are commanded to show each other as fellow believers and members of that body (John 13:34-35) Verse 35 has a particular impact on me since this is the kind of display I long to have... that all people know I am His disciple. Many very important aspects of that love that we are to show each other have been grabbing my attention.

The love we show in how we give. Give of our time, attention, money, etc. We give to each other because we are bound to each other by the beautiful and incredible mercy God has lavished on each of us he has rescued. We understand what God has given to us and it motivates us to give to each other with complete Joy. A couple of Sundays ago this was preached about from Romans 15 (Thanks Nik Brownell!). The last part of this chapter Paul talks about this kind of giving happening between churches. "There is no example of mediocre obedience in the New Testament" that made me reflect on my attitude at where i'm giving of my time, attention and money. The way we love each other is so important that in 1 John 3:14 it says, "We have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death." And again, in verse 17 the charge to love and take physical and spiritual care for our fellow believers carries much weight. This is evidence of our belonging to Christ, that he indeed is our Lord. My pastor keeps using the phrase, "We are embedded to each other" because of what the blood of Christ has done for us. wow!

This was the deep and gripping reality that washed over me when my heart fell a little low this afternoon as i filled out that little card. I am so thankful to be surrounded with people who love with a love that is motivated by who Christ is and what he has done. I am far from alone. I am just one... but not really! and that fills my heart with joy!

I end this with one last quote from Dr. Mooney (my pastor), "When we genuinely and affectionately embrace our identity as the church, we will portray Christ as he is and convince the world we belong to him." I praise God for his providence in providing fellow believers to walk this journey with. May you look around your life and see where it is that you may be needing to love deeper, love harder, and therefore display Christ to world that he may be glorified!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope" Rom. 15:13

Last night I heard Mark Dever speak at a Pastors conference that our church was asked to lead worship at. He said something that stuck with me, "Circumstances in our lives are God given occasions to glorify God." That has been rolling around in my mind since last night. It made the moments we spent worshipping through music all the more amazing. As we went through sound checks, went over intros and harmonies, I kept thinking that this was just one of those occasions. That was my prayer of my heart as we waited for those that would join us.

practicing sin...

This past Sunday in our bible study class, we were looking at the beginning of 1 John 3. Someone asked a question about what is meant by the practice of sinning since it is mentioned so much in verses 4-10. I have been thinking about that question all week and have been wanting to share where it lead me. This scripture mentions over and over that one who practices sin cannot be of God; "No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him" (vs. 6). "Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil" (vs. 8) "No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God" (vs. 9) *taken from ESV

These verses are very intense. I was reading these verses and was wondering what this means for me, a sinner by nature, a sinner who has to fight my sin and weaknesses constantly and yet claims to be born of God... what does this mean for me?

I was having a hard time understanding how or where there was difference. In class somebody commented on how something that is practiced is something that becomes habitual and as believers those are the things we are striving to break and fight everyday through prayer, reading, and studying of scripture. Someone also used sports as an analogy. Athletes practice their particular sport constantly to become better at it. A sinner who is practicing sin, becomes better at the sin increasing their love for it and decreasing the desire to fight it. The word practicing became key in breaking this down.

A few days later I came across this excerpt from John Owen in a devotional our church did together over easter talking about the symptoms of sin:

A fourth dangerous symptom is when a man fights against a sin only because of the consequences or penalty of that sin. This is an evidence that sin has a great grip on his will, and his heart is full of wickedness. A man who only opposes the sin in his heart for fear of shame among men or eternal punishment from God would practice the sin if it were no punishment attending it. How does this differ from living in the practice of sin? Those who belong to Christ, and are obedient to the Word of God, have… a deep-rooted hatred of sin as sin to oppose to all the workings of lust in their hearts… Also, this defence will not last long… What gospel principles have not done, legal motives cannot do!*

This really helped me after wrestling with this question for so many days. Here are some more excerpts of the other symptoms that are talked about:

- "firm establishment over a long period of time and settlement as a habitual practice."

How will such a person be able to distinguish between the long abode of an unmortified lust and the dominion of sin, which cannot happen to a regenerate person? And how can he hope that it will ever be any different with him when he sees his lust fixed and abiding for so long? It may be that great afflictions or mercies did not dislodge it, even though these gained the special attention of your soul. These lusts may have weathered many a storm and prevailed under the display of a variety of ministries of the Word of God. If this is the case, do you think it will prove an easy thing to dislodge such a room-mate, pleading to stay? Old and neglected wounds can prove to be fatal, and are always dangerous. Indwelling lusts grow rusty and stubborn because they have long continued in ease and quiet. Such a sin will not be easily ejected. It will never die by itself, and if it is not daily killed it will only gather added strength.*

- "Another dangerous symptom is when the heart pleads to be thought in a good state, yet all the while allows the continuance of a lust without any attempt at its mortification."

When a perplexing thought of sin comes, a man, instead of applying himself to the destruction of it, searches his heart to find some good thing so that it may go well with him, even though the sin or lust continues to abide in his heart...To indulge in sin on account of mercy is altogether inconsistent with Christian sincerity. It is the badge of a hypocrite and is “perverting the grace of our God into sensuality” (Jude 4).*

- "A third dangerous symptom is when sin frequently succeeds in obtaining the consent of the will."

When the will finds delight in a sin, even though it is not outwardly performed, the temptation is successful. A man may not go along with the sin as to the outward act, yet if he embraces the desire of it in his heart, the temptation has prevailed… Men should not think that evil in their hearts is less serious because they are surprised that it arises. It is in their neglect of watching over their hearts that causes them to be surprised.*

This was very thought and heart provoking as it really challenged me to sit and search how I may still be continuing to practice sin, what I may still have in my heart that I may be harboring and unwilling to have weeded out of my heart. We must always be vigilant of our hearts and the sin that is always trying to lure us away from God and harden our hearts, because sin is ALWAYS working against us. That is my hope in sharing this. I am so thankful for my sunday school class and how God uses it to make me think, grow and change!

* Owen, John. The Mortification of Sin. Ed. Richard Rushing. Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 2005. 58-61.

getting to do what I love to do...

Meant to post this on sunday... This is our worship team ( or most of them). I love working with this group! They have hearts for the gospel, they're creative, talented and hilarious. Just one of the reasons I love sundays!