My Portion Forever

Today was one of those days when I ended up repeating to myself over and over again "The Lord is my strength and my portion forever". It might of had something to do with the fact that I spent most of the day christmas shopping and dealing with crowds and lines, which is never much fun. Fairly sure that's not really the case though. I've been going through this cycle lately that mostly looks like this: stable, unstable, train wreck, stable, semi-stable, meltdown. Thankfully, those train wreck and melt down moments are few and far in between... I am blessed to be surrounded by such wise counsel and incredible love! As I lay here reflecting on where my thoughts have been throughout the day I realize why this part of this verse kept coming back me. I started to focus on the word portion. I started to feel the weight of making such a statement, that God is my portion forever. The image I instantly got was related to food. This may sound a little strange, it does even to me! In this sense, I was thinking about how the portion of nourishment our bodies receive sustain us and fulfill us. We can't live without it. It keeps us vibrant, energetic, healthy... alive. I always have struggled with the sufficiency of Christ, wanting to find fulfillment in more tangible means. This is an area that God works quite severely with me because it is far from being second nature to me. It's more like 732nd nature to me ( if that makes any sense), which I also think is giving myself way too much credit. There are moments when I think I'm getting the hang of it and then I say, God but I want this, and need that, and don't forget about these dreams and those desires!! oh, such a finite mind I have!! Why I grapple with the fact that God knows all, God is good in all he does I do not know. The fact remains that he does know and he is good! In more ways than I deserve!

After moving away from the food related image in my head I looked up the word portion ( i know that sounds silly but i love looking up words, even the simple ones). All the definitions were just like I imagined dealing with the amount of something and piece of something. I then came to one of the last definitions given and it said, "A person's future as allotted by fate; ones destiny or lot". This is way better than my food image I had when I thought of the word. I may be a simpleton, but I had never thought of this word in this way. This took my thoughts even further than earlier because it reminded me why Christ is sufficient for me. I believe in a risen Savior! He sustains me and fulfills me with a love and hope that surpasses all things. I am cradled in his comforting truths and promises. I am guided by his teaching and wisdom. I am a member of the body of Christ, the called out ones, thriving and fighting to become more like christ everyday and even when I fall short and stumble, there is God with his strong hand demanding repentance and granting forgiveness. Absolutely brilliant. He and he alone is my portion. Forever.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on the earth that I desire but you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73: 25-26

... As I live says the Lord!

This is written about the book of Ruth. This could not have come at a more perfect time for me. And I will savor and delight in the beauty of being held in the hands of an all knowing and all loving God... wherever that may lead. Blown away.

The life of the godly is not a straight line to glory, but they do get there. The life of the godly is not an Interstate through Nebraska, but a state road through the Blue Ridge Mountains of Tennessee. There are rock slides and precipices and dark mists and bears and slippery curves and hairpin turns that make you go backwards in order to go forwards. But all along this hazardous, twisted road that doesn't let you see very far ahead there are frequent signs that say, "The best is yet to come." And at the bottom right corner written with an unmistakable hand are the words, "As I live, says the Lord!"
-John Piper

"Without a why or wherefore"

I stole this from Sam Hauser's blog. You should check it out, i'm excited to see the things that come out of her new blog! Hope you don't mind the re-post Sam!

Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
- Henry Frederic Amiel

sisters, sisters

I absolutely love this scene from White Christmas. My sister and I are always singing this song, except we don't know all the words so we just end up humming and laughing. So I dedicate this to my sister Brenda. I chose this version cause my sister and I could never be quite so graceful as the ladies in the movie... like ever. And we would definitely hit each other with large fans of feathers if we ever had them, just like they do in this video. love you sister face.

Patience? um... ok.

These past couple of weeks have been very turbulent for me. I have had to confront things that I do not understand. I have been on a constant cycle between anger and sadness and there seems to be no end in sight. Although that sounds so hopeless, it is far from how I feel about where I am at. In light of my situations and circumstances I am desperately seeking what truths God is reinforcing within me. Here is the clencher... it's patience. Oh to be patient when you want to act out on emotions and reactions. This concept of love has been prevalent in the things I have been learning. It is the undercurrent for everything and this time it carries the teaching of patience. So here I have been trying to understand how this all ties in, learning how to embrace it and not just for my peace of mind but for something bigger, more significant, something that actually has everything to do with Christ. My pastor said this, "The admonition for good behavior is not to escape persecution and not for an esteem boost but for a greater purpose."

Titus 3 has really driven this home for me this past week and a half. It focuses a lot on behavior, how we are to respond and react to people around us."Speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people." (vs. 2) Everyone of those examples are hard, especially when volatile emotions are involved. But there they are, in plain black and white... how can I do that? First, we are reminded of who and what we were before Christ, "For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating everyone." (vs. 3) Oh, but there is deep beauty in scripture because it goes on, not to tell you how, but why you should act the way verse 2 described. "But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he SAVED US, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Sprit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according the hope of eternal life." (vs.4)

Verse 4 is why we should act this way and it guides us into action. This is the reason we are able to show compassion and mercy and forgiveness and love. It is because these things have been richly poured out on us. How can we not be moved by something of such epic proportions? And something of such epic proportions will undoubtedly have some side effects.They will look like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self- control. This scripture reminds us of who we were and of the salvation that we were granted in that state. I have been granted salvation and hope! I love the word hope. I cling to it with a ferocious grip. It is what drives me to act in patience and gentleness and self- control especially when things feel out of control around me. I am far from doing this perfectly or well even, especially with patience, it requires a lot of silence at times and that is very difficult! Whatever the end result of situations and circumstances and the things I must endure, God is my refuge. I pray that we as believers, as those who claim that Jesus has reign in our lives, that we are producing evidence of what we've been granted to those around us, in every aspect of our lives. For me, it must be in patience. And you? What is it for you?

November 20, 2007

I awoke in very much a somber mood today. The approach of today has been on my mind a lot lately. Today, we celebrate and remember my beautiful grandmother whom we affectionately called "Lita". I can't believe two years have passed. There are still many times when I am visiting my family that I feel that she should walk through the door and take her place at the table next to her sisters. I don't think I will ever get used to being without her.

She was such a peculiar old woman. She enjoyed dipping her bread in her juice, she only liked to eat the ends of the bread loaves, she liked her tortillas burnt to a crisp, loved her drinks to be piping hot, she was THE pickiest eater I have ever known but she loved anything with shrimp in it. My Lita gave us many things to giggle about and it was so cute because she was completely oblivious to it. I miss walking into church and giving her a kiss on the cheek and sitting next to her and playing with her old woman hands. I miss a lot of small moments I often shared with her. Through all of her silly quirks of one thing we were all certain: She loved the Lord with all her heart. She was disciplined in her reading and praying. Her heart was always ready to serve and give. She was also very eager for the Lord to take her home. Each year she would say she hoped this was the year she would get to go home.

My Lita's life was a hard one. She endured much loss in her life but she was such a hard working woman. I will always admire her for her courage in being a single mom, in a new country, raising her 3 youngest kids in such a different culture than hers. She left behind a beautiful legacy and I am so blessed that God granted me as much time as he did with her.

I want to share one of my favorite stories of her. I was probably about 10 or 11 years old and we were having some kind of birthday party at our house. The house was packed with family and friends. I remember it was really loud with the chatter of adults. The house felt stuffy with the summer heat and children were running in and out of the house yelling and laughing. I walked into the house and stopped in the living room for a moment to be nosy about the conversation being entertained by the adults. Somebody suddenly said, "Carmelina (that was her name) your skirt!" I looked over at her and there she was sitting in a chair with her skirt around her ankles. There entire room erupted in laughter. My Lita was laughing so hard she couldn't even stand up to fix her skirt, so she sat there for a few minutes in her slip trying to compose herself before finally adjusting her clothes. I will never forget how hard we all laughed. I don't think she was ever able to live down that story. She never did seem to mind.

My small, beautiful and quirky Lita. I will always love her and always miss her.

someone actually snapped a picture of that moment. Makes me laugh every time.

just one... but not really

Today, I filled out a response card to a friend's up and coming wedding. In the little spot reserved for number of guests attending I filled in a lonely number one. I laugh a little at how silly this sounds, but at that moment my heart became very sad. In the true fashion of a hopeless romantic and let's face it... a bit of an emotional girl...it is hard longing for the company of the person I share so much of my thoughts and dreams with but can't spend time with the way I would like to at this moment in my life. I put a lot of effort into not letting that longing get me down or distract me and instead focus on the many wonderful blessings that are coming from this season in my life.

In one way or another this lonely moment lead me to think of what God has been showing me this past week and a half. Love and the church. It is such a monumental topic but that is where my heart has been perusing lately. At church, activities, conversations, quiet time... it all keeps leading back to this. The major connection I keep seeing when studying about the church is love. The love that God has for those that make up his body of followers and the love that we are commanded to show each other as fellow believers and members of that body (John 13:34-35) Verse 35 has a particular impact on me since this is the kind of display I long to have... that all people know I am His disciple. Many very important aspects of that love that we are to show each other have been grabbing my attention.

The love we show in how we give. Give of our time, attention, money, etc. We give to each other because we are bound to each other by the beautiful and incredible mercy God has lavished on each of us he has rescued. We understand what God has given to us and it motivates us to give to each other with complete Joy. A couple of Sundays ago this was preached about from Romans 15 (Thanks Nik Brownell!). The last part of this chapter Paul talks about this kind of giving happening between churches. "There is no example of mediocre obedience in the New Testament" that made me reflect on my attitude at where i'm giving of my time, attention and money. The way we love each other is so important that in 1 John 3:14 it says, "We have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death." And again, in verse 17 the charge to love and take physical and spiritual care for our fellow believers carries much weight. This is evidence of our belonging to Christ, that he indeed is our Lord. My pastor keeps using the phrase, "We are embedded to each other" because of what the blood of Christ has done for us. wow!

This was the deep and gripping reality that washed over me when my heart fell a little low this afternoon as i filled out that little card. I am so thankful to be surrounded with people who love with a love that is motivated by who Christ is and what he has done. I am far from alone. I am just one... but not really! and that fills my heart with joy!

I end this with one last quote from Dr. Mooney (my pastor), "When we genuinely and affectionately embrace our identity as the church, we will portray Christ as he is and convince the world we belong to him." I praise God for his providence in providing fellow believers to walk this journey with. May you look around your life and see where it is that you may be needing to love deeper, love harder, and therefore display Christ to world that he may be glorified!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope" Rom. 15:13